Carol’s Place Journal
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
@1:05 PM ~ I am here now at Carol’s Place. I am in a transitional housing program that functions as a shelter for homeless people who have mental health issues. There are about 26 people who are residents here. I first got here last Friday afternoon after being at the VOA ‘A’ Street shelter since May 25th of this year of 2011. This is a lot better place than being at the VOA shelter, though I remain grateful for whatever help I can receive at this stage of my life in my spiritual journey.
I am at the point in my life where I can generally do without the creature comforts I had before when I had my own apartment at Globe Mills. I am primarily interested in my spiritual evolution as a humane being here upon Mother Earth. I will do what I can to help us all achieve liberation. The fact of the whole matter in regards to liberation is that true liberation must first be obtained within one’s own self. We must be liberated from the lies, dogmas and falsehoods of the past and any that are still lingering within our consciousness today.
I am now without regular Internet access and this has proven to be a handicap. I must look at the positive aspect of any particular negative. Keep in mind that stuff has its positive and negative aspects. As a rule, nothing is simply ALL negative or ALL positive. At certain times, despite the power of its architecture, the Internet can be a distraction from our directly relating to our immediate external environment. It can even cripple crucial relationships in our lives, especially if one is a parent or in a responsible position in a social matrix. Of course, Internet Access gives us good access to the collective knowledge of people online. Nevertheless, we must also not forget that much of our spiritual evolution on an individual basis involves us knowing ourselves deep inside.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
@10:15 AM ~ Here at Carol’s Place. Most of the folks here are pretty cool, though tend to be introverted and withdrawn. There is a kind of subtle fear when it comes to them opening up and discussing life in genera. Actually I am one of these folks but refer to ‘them’ as a kind of journalist’s prerogative. It seems that during the day most of them are shut up in their rooms and avoid social contact with others. In all fairness, I have only been here for less than a week. Nonetheless, there are patterns that I see going on. Most of the folks here seem to lack social-communication skills. I believe all of us right now are taking one kind of medication or another.
I get my medication around 9 PM before I go to sleep. I have a thin black strap around my neck with my room key and a key for a little lock. Our meds are kept in two drawers in the office downstairs next door. Each of us has our own little lunch box where our meds are stored. I need to use my key for the little lock for my own lunch box. The lunch boxes are similar to those used by school kids and have different cartoon-like characters on them. In a way, we are the ‘lunch box people’. Right now I am taking a Seroquel tablet of 50 mg. every night.
At times it can be boring here. In the past, the inactivity of boredom has been a subtle trigger for my going back into the negative behavior pattern of substance abuse/adduction. Nowadays I feel pretty secure about my ability to maintain my sanity and keep my sobriety.
Tomorrow I have my SSDI Panel as part of the initial process of getting onto SSDI @8:30 AM. I need to work on these forms today, though it is such a drag doing so. I need to write about my disability in terms of working in a regular job. It will be a hard sell as I had steady employment before I was Laid Off due to Sacramento County budget cutbacks that affected the local Salvation Army Emergency Shelter where I was working.
In the mornings I say my little prayer, go get coffee, a bowl of cereal and then have a smoke outside. This is my first full week of being here. Today is Humpday Wednesday. It is pretty quiet here right now. My roommate is ‘Lee’ who was in my four person cubicle at the VOA ‘A’ Street Shelter. My bunk number at VOA was #80. I have not really established a regular routine here. I hope that my writing in this Carol’s Place Journal will be a part of it all.
@10:45 AM ~ Right now I am gradually reading The Psychogenesis of Mental Disease by C.G. Jung.
“Move every stone, try everything, leave nothing unattempted.” ~ Erasmus
I want to understand more about my mood swings and need to be careful that I am not only psyching myself out about having bi-polar. I do tend to be moody, though this is not outwardly apparent. I tend to bore easily, need to keep myself entertained and people around me now I find so dull, vegetative and utterly uninteresting. Of course I need to be mindful of where I am at and not mistake my partial experience for universal truth.
In the past my mania seemed to be composed of fixating on a progressive group of causes in a matrix that resulted in my not ‘taking care of business’ as perceived by the outside world. This present world I find in general to be very depressing and in need to major social transformations. I see the need for getting involved in changing general social circumstances in my life. I am into what I call progressive recovery and so many of my peers around me seem so divorced from comprehending the connected reality we are all in. Indeed, I am still surrounded my fools, fiends and fanatics.
@11:30 AM ~ I finally got my clothes out of the freezer. When we first come here we have to have our clothes frozen by putting them into a freezer so that any possible bedbugs we are bringing in can be frozen to death. The freezer is on the top floor of the blue building on the corner here on 9th and W Streets. It is a rather bizarre way, but there is no telling from where we have come to be here and it helps to keep down any possible bedbug epidemic from arising amongst our group home here.
@3:38 PM ~ I have just been kind of lazying around all day. I am working through some depression right now, feel disconnected from so much, alone in my loneliness with no relief in sight. I need to fill out some SSDI stuff and still have not motivated myself to do so. I will now take a shower, change clothes and hopefully that will boost my spirits.
@7:03 PM ~ Another evening here at Carol’s Place. Most of the folks here are in their rooms. I was ready to attend a DRA Meeting here, but no one showed up. Alas, I had some ice cream. There seems to be little interest in 12-Steps Meetings here these days. I figure that if they have been through a lot of NA and AA Meetings as I have then there is bound to be a lack of interest, especially if they are not going further in relation to their spiritual evolution. I for one will not be an accomplice to any kind of co-dependency in terms of folks around here getting involved in their own recovery. If they figure they do not need to attend 12-Steps Meetings and if staff seems not to make them mandatory or enforce their being attended then far be it from me to stick my nose into it all.
Dual Recovery Anonymous Website
http://draonline.org/
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friday morning here and it is quiet inside and sunny outside with clear skies. I went for my SMART Interview yesterday @Guest House. I think it went pretty help, especially with the stuff that Jerri Grosser took down about my case. Two other ladies did brief interviews and I was seen by a traveling doctor. I have a receipt from Miranda (877) 326-0103 and a medical appointment next week. Plus, I need to finish my Third Party portion with help from Barbara Gregg. After my SMART stuff yesterday I had lunch @Loaves & Fishes, saw my therapist Nick @2 PM, got on the RT Lite-Rail, went by the Central Library, came back here around dinner time, attended a Life Skills Meeting (mainly composed of presenting a female client with a big going away card as she is going to Palmer House), then went to bed early and slept most the time until about 7 AM this morning.
I decided not to go to Guest House for the DRA Meeting. I am just here in my room typing away and being in my beingness for now. I only have a few cigarettes left and know that for us we are often driven by our addictions. I am dual diagnosed with a history of drug addiction and I’m taking a light medication called Seroquel right now (50 mg. @bedtime each night).
It is pretty nice here @Carol’s Place by the corner of 9th and W Streets. Certainly it is a major improvement over the regular shelter setup where clients are treated like cans of goods, put on a shelf at night in our bunks where we are counted up as present and generally are warehoused with little or no human-staff interaction that promotes our basic character development and spiritual growth. I know we should be humble and grateful for whatever scraps of humanity are tossed out way. Nonetheless, there should be more definite structured humane programs in place for those who for whatever reason find themselves in a homeless refugee shelter.
I maintain that in the main homeless refugees are the predictable results of a failed state, a failed government, a sick status quo. We are reflections of a dysfunctional insane society that is governed by the Almighty Dollar, not by any real humane compassion.
Emergency Shelters for human beings should be seen as places where people can seek refuge, assess their general situation, develop plans of actions for individual improvement and try to design their humane spiritual evolution. We need to know and accept where we have been, have a clear concise understanding of where we are here now and seek a vision for future success. Am I being naïve?
We must look to the creation of new creatures that have care, concern and compassion for others as genuine humane beings, not as mere animals. We need to all look at becoming ever more humane in all our ways. In a religious context, we can think in terms of a sincere believer in God, but whether one is a believer or a non-believer we should all strive to be more and more humane on an individual level in our personal lives. We must set the example we wish others to follow in our own personal individual lives and not be content with simply lecturing. As Gandhi knew, we must be the kind of being we wish others to be ~ in this context, be a genuine humane being.
Note: Went by Geri’s in the PM. She gave me more tobacco and five bucks. She is a great blessing.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
It is a Sabbath here at Carol’s Place. I realize more and more what a blessing it is just be here in relation to being in an ordinary Emergency Shelter. We just have to learn how to accept people just as they are ~ so long as they respect our personal space and do not try to invade it.
It is Dust Busters morning here. We each have our own little chores to do ~ all of which are relatively simple and do not require any special expertise.
Yesterday in the late evening I had a good conversation with Brother Brian here. He kind of saw what I see here in relation to the other residents here.
Each of us has our own individuality and different pathways that brought us here. We must make conscious efforts not to lightly label people and continue to be non-judgmental until our conscious efforts become automatic responses to external stimuli.
now I am also reading: C.G. Jung: His Myth in Our Time by Marie Louise Von Franz.
I have decided as of now to pursue a career in psychology, especially in light of all the variations of insanity I have witnessed in my lifetime of experience to date. I see that much that needs to be changed in the world is not merely in the external world, but primarily within us and our own personal character defects. Sometimes there personal character defects spill out into the outer external world. If a given person is in a great position of power these character defects can result in great policy errors that can wreck havoc in the outer world.
Dr. Jung is the premier psychologist of our times. He has greatly influenced many with his writings and investigations in the psyche of the individual human being.
There was a time in the distant past when I was interested in being a Drug & Alcohol Counselor, especially when I first got into my own recovery from drug addiction. Now I see more than ever that it is utter insanity that is at the roots of drug addiction and harmful addictions in general. In many ways the drug addiction is the trunk of the tree of drug addiction and it is in the roots of the addiction where we must dig down to uncover, identify and root out the roots of our external addiction in order to bring about a real healing process within the patient.
We need to go deeper than surface symptoms and come to understand the original reasons why so many let their lives become unmanageable through their use of chemicals and other harmful ways of living. Nowadays there is a great emphasis on utilizing medications to combat drug addiction. In the big picture there needs to be more of an emphasis on personal psychotherapy and the progressive evolution of ourselves as spiritual beings. We are not simply a physical body nor simply a intellect with a brain. It is in spiritual realms where we must venture without fear in order to us to really begin to heal.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Once we begin to get a solid length of sobriety time we can then begin to work on the issues that got us all caught up in drug addiction in the first place. We need to go deeper in our awareness, to allow our own subconscious to surface up to a level of consciousness. We need to go deep into the past memories that may cause us pain and discomfort. Once we process this stuff in our own present consciousness we can better analyze it, understand it and come to know ourselves better ~ that is, come to know our inner beingness. Why do we feel as we do? Why do we do what we do? What are our inner motivations?
When we seek a futile escape from the often cruel realities that surround us via our indulgence in drug addiction what exactly are we trying to escape? Are we simply trying to escape the bummer of living in poverty and squalor? Are we seeking the impossible by trying to escape from our own state of beingness? What happens if instead of trying to escape from our own actual beingness we take the time to stop and be still in order to spiritually feel the Presence of the Creator?
Are we not creatures of the Creator? Thus, do we not have the spark of the divine Creation of the Creator within us as humane beings? Are we not ourselves possessed of the divine seed of the Creation within our own inner beingness?
I am convinced that the changes we seek in the world in terms of our man-made governments must first take place within us, within our own beings, within our own individual consciousness. Where do social movements first come from? Where do they begin? As a rule, all great social movements that seek substantial changes in the outer world come from the heartfelt aspirations of the individual humane being.
The ruling powers of fascist reaction can seek to destroy progressive social movements by murder and intrigue, but the original basis of these movements, the reasons why they first come into being, are in the hearts and minds of the people. Even if there is only one individual being with a vision for a magical movement it can continue in one manifestation or another. The point here is that we see that great social movements are often dependent upon one or a few individuals in order to take root, to plant seeds, to continue to grow, to develop the mandatory rational resistance to the forces of fascist repression.
What has been greatly missing in modern social movements of today is a soulfelt sense of immediate urgency that can spur a lifelong commitment to bringing about the transformation of the Spirit or Zeitgeist of these troubled times on a global level. We need to be aware of the awesome powers of spiritual warfare, not merely in an Christian way, but constant spiritual warfare among all believers that enlivens the soul, spurs our rebellious spirit against the evils of stupidity and seeks to wake up the inner soul of the humane being and ultimately the inner souls of the masses on a global level. It all begins within our own soul on an individual existential level: a liberation movement of one who is a totally committed humane being ~ one who seeks creative and constructive change within one’s being and in the external world beyond one’s individual self. Let each of us be one individual being who thinks and acts in harmony with the masses. Let us each be a meaningful movement of our own because we are activated by our own revolutionary consciousness, not dependent on any one great leader or shepherd.
“The shaman is the great specialist in the human soul: he alone ‘sees’ it, for he knows its ‘form’ and its destiny.” ~ via Mircea Eliade ~Shamansm: Archaic Techniques of Ecstasy
Monday, August 22, 2011
@10:28 AM ~ Yesterday evening I made it to the CASA Meeting at Salvation Army and it went pretty well. I explained why I was not there last Sunday and thanked Sister Ellen for conducting the CASA Meeting in my absence. We had several people who attended the CASA Meeting and it was a good core group of folks. Brother Calvin gave an emotional testimony about good changes that are happening in his family. Hopefully if I give her two days notice Ellen will conduct the CASA Meeting, then there is also Brother Kevin (he has been outside for sometime now and has still not secured a housing location). On the way back after the CASA Meeting I was at the Light Rail talking to Doug (he was at Sally’s after two months but now is back on the streets). There were a few Black demons around and one asked for my lighter to light his crackpipe but it turned out he has bogus crack. Later he asked for it again and I said, “No!” So I walked up the street to the next Light-Rail stop away from the low-life dope fiends.
I got off the Light Rail @8th & 'O' Streets. I proceeded to just walk up here to Carol’s Place and got here a bit after 9 PM. It will be a drag to do the CASA Meetings on Sundays, but conducting the CASA 12-Steps Meeting has been a long-term anchor for my own personal recovery and spiritual growth.
Good news out of Libya! Apparently Ghadaffy’s Regime has ended as I read in the Sacramento Bee this morning. This is good news for me as I have been following grand historical events in Arabia all year, from Tunisia, to Egypt with the former Mubarak Regme being toppled and now it looks like the Ghadaffy Regime has been deposed, though there is still no news as to the actual location of the Evil One Ghadaffy himself.
I hope the American people take notice of what is going on in the Middle East region, especially about the positive changes in the tyrannical regimes of Arabia. There has been a great revitalization of positive liberation movements in Arabia with the Sandstorms of Liberation that have been sweeping across all of Arabia. It is right to rebel!
@10:54 ~ Here at Carol’s Place it is generally quiet and serene. My friend Dave from Sally’s was here this morning on his tour. I hope he makes it in here. Plus, Brother Matt from VOA ‘A’ Street shelter was here last week. So that makes two guys I know who are hoping to get into Carol’s Place here. Plus today there is a new Sister named Tiffany who is new here. Every day has its changes.
I still do not feel totally secure here in terms of housing, sometimes I find myself feeling that the bottom could fall out somehow. I still have not gotten my GA Account established and still do not have my RT Sticker for me to ride legally on public transportation via the Light Rail and Bus System. Sometimes it seems that the feelings of paranoia around here are contagious. I guess it comes from my actual dependence upon this Carol’s Place program. If worse comes to worst I think I can stay with Annabelle AKA Geri, but that in itself would be another bad location in terms of my keeping a sane mind in a serene environment.
So I continue to maintain the brain, keep my spirits up and will try to focus more on my general level of health, including my physical health.
I myself have my own feelings of paranoia or simple fearfulness. I really do miss being attached to my online friends and allies. I got online yesterday at the Central Library for an hour and that felt good. I will try to check out the SacWorks Agency, a Job Search program, up here on Broadway nearby, across from the old City Cemetery. Nada mas ahora!
@3:51 ~ I had a long Meeting with Carolyn about my goals, was asked about how I am working on my sobriety and we have a rather long discussion about matters in general related to my mental health. As usual, I explained to her about the three-part or triune being that we are and how I saw myself as working on my mental health, my physical health and my spiritual health. She kind of let me just rattle on so I indulged her. Plus, I told her about my book Progressive Recovery Today and a few prospects of my getting published. I think she was a little impressed about it all. I told her also about my wanting to go to school come the next full semester, though apparently that is a little ways off for me for now. All in all, it had a cathartic effect upon me.
I saw Brother Mike. He had a hernia operation earlier this morning and seems to be in quite a bit of pain. Apparently Mark Tavares is going to give him a ride to Primary Care by Stockton Blvd. and Broadway, he needs to get pain pills.
I am not sure what I am all doing here with this Carol’s Place Journal, but it does seem to serve as a kind of psychological release for my thoughts and concerns for now. Sometimes I am just the mad typist recording his thoughts for who knows for what purpose other than serving as a kind of pressure-release valve for me. Man, I really do miss the Internet Access of yesterdays. I need to look and consider the positive aspects of being without Internet Access and thereby being drive to actually write other stuff that will not necessarily be blared out upon the Internet. Thus, at this point, all this typing is FOR MY EYES ONLY!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
@10:54 ~ Here at Carol’s Place it is generally quiet and serene. My friend Dave from Sally’s was here this morning on his tour. I hope he makes it in here. Plus, Brother Matt from VOA ‘A’ Street shelter was here last week. So that makes two guys I know who are hoping to get into Carol’s Place here. Plus today there is a new Sister named Tiffany who is new here. Every day has its changes.
I still do not feel totally secure here in terms of housing, sometimes I find myself feeling that the bottom could fall out somehow. I still have not gotten my GA Account established and still do not have my RT Sticker for me to ride legally on public transportation via the Light Rail and Bus System. Sometimes it seems that the feelings of paranoia around here are contagious. I guess it comes from my actual dependence upon this Carol’s Place program. If worse comes to worst I think I can stay with Annabelle AKA Geri, but that in itself would be another bad location in terms of my keeping a sane mind in a serene environment.
So I continue to maintain the brain, keep my spirits up and will try to focus more on my general level of health, including my physical health.
I myself have my own feelings of paranoia or simple fearfulness. I really do miss being attached to my online friends and allies. I got online yesterday at the Central Library for an hour and that felt good. I will try to check out the SacWorks Agency, a Job Search program, up here on Broadway nearby, across from the old City Cemetery. Nada mas ahora!
@3:51 ~ I had a long Meeting with Carolyn about my goals, was asked about how I am working on my sobriety and we have a rather long discussion about matters in general related to my mental health. As usual, I explained to her about the three-part or triune being that we are and how I saw myself as working on my mental health, my physical health and my spiritual health. She kind of let me just rattle on so I indulged her. Plus, I told her about my book Progressive Recovery Today and a few prospects of my getting published. I think she was a little impressed about it all. I told her also about my wanting to go to school come the next full semester, though apparently that is a little ways off for me for now. All in all, it had a cathartic effect upon me.
I saw Brother Mike. He had a hernia operation earlier this morning and seems to be in quite a bit of pain. Apparently Mark Tavares is going to give him a ride to Primary Care by Stockton Blvd. and Broadway, he needs to get pain pills.
I am not sure what I am all doing here with this Carol’s Place Journal, but it does seem to serve as a kind of psychological release for my thoughts and concerns for now. Sometimes I am just the mad typist recording his thoughts for who knows for what purpose other than serving as a kind of pressure-release valve for me. Man, I really do miss the Internet Access of yesterdays. I need to look and consider the positive aspects of being without Internet Access and thereby being drive to actually write other stuff that will not necessarily be blared out upon the Internet. Thus, at this point, all this typing is FOR MY EYES ONLY!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
@10:27 AM ~ Tuesday came and went without any major event in my life. I am scheduled to meet with Mattie this Friday @10 AM to do paperwork stuff. Hopefully I will finally get onto GA, update my EBT Card and establish a new Account. I also have an important SSDI Appointment tomorrow. I noticed how folks routinely refer to SSI when in fact they are really talking about SSDI. Those of us mentally ill folks who are homeless and applying for SSDI tend to shy away from using the acronym SSDI.
I am going to take this computer system and go to the Central Library in order to see if I can get onto the Internet there. Lee got me onto the Net here via his creating a Hotspot with his $300 cell phone for literally a minute, but it seemed to be if he could because he is the Controller of that Hotspot. If he was cool he would let me know when his Hotspot is available, but he is a withdrawn introvert in his own kind of selfish inner world. So we will see what we will see. I am going to disconnect from here now. Hopefully I will next be on the Internet at the Central Library. Time will tell us what we do not know now.
@8:12 PM ~ I went to the NA Clunie Meeting at Noon. I announced that I had seven years and two months of sobriety. I signed up to be called on but as usual was not called upon to share. Some groups often are prejudice against letting a relative stranger share, which I think is kind of fearful and backwards. It is indicative of a ‘clique mentality’ for some groups, probably a bit of a territorial defense mechanism. I will try to remember that if and when I share there in the future.
Afterwards I caught the bus downtown. I was blessed to run into my Brother Tata. We had a good chat on the sidewalk. He mentioned about his need to get out more and that he was dragged about the routine of just going to NA/AA 12 Steps Meetings. Then, I stopped by the Christian Science Reading Room and sat in on a Meeting with Sister Kristian, a group of White Elders, all females except for one cool male named Rocky. They discuss and pray on helping the homeless and try to send out good vibes out into the universe in a kind of metaphysical way which I believe it another way that we can effect change in the outer and inner worlds. The Meeting starts there around Noon on Wednesdays. Thus, I may stop by again next week.
Praise God! I was able to get onto the Internet at the Central Library via my DELL laptop here. So I did some Tweeting and stuff without the stress of being limited to only an hour when one uses the Library Computer when we are limited to only one hour. It is really good to know that I have ready Internet Access when I take my laptop computer to the Central Library.
Tomorrow I need to go to an appointment related to Testing for SSI. I need to get to the Library at least by the early afternoon so I can Google the location for my appointment.
I am learning better how to go with the flow in my writing without the constant editing and backtracking that could be a symptom of my OCD. Stuff gets complex and I have long been hesitant to label my behavior or mentality with a simple blanket of a psychological disorder. Here again, I must do more studying. Right now I am mainly into studying more about the investigations and writings that have already been done by the great Dr. C.J. Jung.
@9:13 PM ~ I plan to get up early tomorrow. I will shower, maybe shave prepare for my trip to the Central Library then my SSI appointment. I called Shakra to let him know that I will not be able to attend the Safeground Meeting tomorrow, but that I am not able to have Internet Access. I also need to go back his place and get some stuff.
By the way, today is have 7 (seven) years and 2 (two) months of sobriety from alcohol and any other addictive narcotic. I feel good about that and plan to maintain my sobriety for my own health, in order to set an example for others and because I still work with CASA 12-Steps. For all my errors I do have a sense of righteous pride about my length of sobriety and hope it helps to inspire my beloved Brother Bobby AKA Tata. Nada mas ahora! Venceremos Unidos!
Friday, August 26, 2011
I have not been Journaling here for late since I figured out that I can LOG ON to Internet at the local Central Library. Still need to keep a centered balance. Write my heart out, let it hang!
@1:05 PM ~ I am here now at Carol’s Place. I am in a transitional housing program that functions as a shelter for homeless people who have mental health issues. I first got1 here last Friday afternoon after being at the VOA ‘A’ Street shelter since May 25th of this year of 2011. This is a lot better place than being at the VOA shelter, though I remain grateful for whatever help I can receive at this stage of my life in my spiritual journey.
I am at the point in my life where I can generally do without the creature comforts I had before when I had my own apartment at Globe Mills. I am primarily interested in my spiritual evolution as a humane being here upon Mother Earth. I will do what I can to help us all achieve liberation. The fact of the whole matter in regards to liberation is that true liberation must be obtained within one’s own self. We must be liberated from the lies, dogmas and falsehoods of the past and any that are still lingering within our consciousness today.
I am now without regular Internet access and this has proven to be a handicap. I must look at the positive aspect of any particular negative. Keep in mind that stuff has its positive and negative aspects. As a rule, nothing is simply ALL negative or ALL positive. At certain times, despite the power of its architecture, the Internet can be a distraction from our directly relating to our immediate external environment. It can even cripple crucial relationships in our lives, especially if one is a parent or in a responsible position in a social matrix. Of course, Internet Access gives us good access to the collective knowledge of people online. Nevertheless, we must also not forget that much of our spiritual evolution on an individual basis involves us knowing ourselves deep inside.@10:15 AM ~ Here at Carol’s Place. Most of the folks here are pretty cool, though tend to be introverted and withdrawn. There is a kind of subtle fear when it comes to them opening up and discussing life in genera. Actually I am one of these folks but refer to ‘them’ as a kind of journalist’s prerogative. It seems that during the day most of them are shut up in their rooms and avoid social contact with others. In all fairness, I have only been here for less than a week. Nonetheless, there are patterns that I see going on. Most of the folks here seem to lack social-communication skills. I believe all of us right now are taking one kind of medication or another.
I get my medication around 9 PM before I go to sleep. I have a thin black strap around my neck with my room key and a key for a little lock. Our meds are kept in two drawers in the office downstairs next door. Each of us has our own little lunch box where our meds are stored. I need to use my key for the little lock for my own lunch box. The lunch boxes are similar to those used by school kids and have different cartoon-like characters on them. In a way, we are the ‘lunch box people’. Right now I am taking a Seroquel tablet of 50 mg. every night.
At times it can be boring here. In the past, the inactivity of boredom has been a subtle trigger for my going back into the negative behavior pattern of substance abuse/adduction. Nowadays I feel pretty secure about my ability to maintain my sanity and keep my sobriety.
Tomorrow I have my SSDI Panel as part of the initial process of getting onto SSDI @8:30 AM. I need to work on these forms today, though it is such a drag doing so. I need to write about my disability in terms of working in a regular job. It will be a hard sell as I had steady employment before I was Laid Off due to Sacramento County budget cutbacks that affected the local Salvation Army Emergency Shelter where I was working.
In the mornings I say my little prayer, go get coffee, a bowl of cereal and then have a smoke outside. This is my first full week of being here. Today is Humpday Wednesday. It is pretty quiet here right now. My roommate is ‘Lee’ who was in my four person cubicle at the VOA ‘A’ Street Shelter. My bunk number at VOA was #80. I have not really established a regular routine here. I hope that my writing in this Carol’s Place Journal will be a part of it all.
@10:45 AM ~ Right now I am gradually reading The Psychogenesis of Mental Disease by C.G. Jung.
“Move every stone, try everything, leave nothing unattempted.” ~ Erasmus
Link: Carl Jung's: The Red Book Valuing Your Inner Life
http://carljungsredbook.blogspot.com/
I want to understand more about my mood swings and need to be careful that I am not only psyching myself out about having bi-polar. I do tend to be moody, though this is not outwardly apparent. I tend to bore easily, need to keep myself entertained and people around me now I find so dull, vegetative and utterly uninteresting. Of course I need to be mindful of where I am at and not mistake my partial experience for universal truth.
In the past my mania seemed to be composed of fixating on a progressive group of causes in a matrix that resulted in my not ‘taking care of business’ as perceived by the outside world. This present world I find in general to be very depressing and in need to major social transformations. I see the need for getting involved in changing general social circumstances in my life. I am into what I call progressive recovery and so many of my peers around me seem so divorced from comprehending the connected reality we are all in. Indeed, I am still surrounded my fools, fiends and fanatics.
@11:30 AM ~ I finally got my clothes out of the freezer. When we first come here we have to have our clothes frozen by putting them into a freezer so that any possible bedbugs we are bringing in can be frozen to death. The freezer is on the top floor of the blue building on the corner here on 9th and W Streets. It is a rather bizarre way, but there is no telling from where we have come to be here and it helps to keep down any possible bedbug epidemic from arising amongst our group home here.
@3:38 PM ~ I have just been kind of lazying around all day. I am working through some depression right now, feel disconnected from so much, alone in my loneliness with no relief in sight. I need to fill out some SSDI stuff and still have not motivated myself to do so. I will not take a shower, change clothes and hopefully that will boost my spirits.
@7:03 PM ~ Another evening here at Carol’s Place. Most of the folks here are in their rooms. I was ready to attend a DRA Meeting here, but no one showed up. Alas, I had some ice cream. There seems to be little interest in 12-Steps Meetings here these days. I figure that if they have been through a lot of NA and AA Meetings as I have then there is bound to be a lack of interest, especially if they are not going further in relation to their spiritual evolution. I for one will not be an accomplice to any kind of co-dependency in terms of folks around here getting involved in their own recovery. If they figure they do not need to attend 12-Steps Meetings and if staff seems not to make them mandatory or enforce their being attended then far be it from me to stick my nose into it all.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friday morning here and it is quiet inside and sunny outside with clear skies. I went for my SMART Interview yesterday @Guest House. I think it went pretty help, especially with the stuff that Jerri Grosser took down about my case. Two other ladies did brief interviews and I was seen by a traveling doctor. I have a receipt from Miranda (877) 326-0103 and a medical appointment next week. Plus, I need to finish my Third Party portion with help from Barbara Gregg. After my SMART stuff yesterday I had lunch @Loaves & Fishes, saw my therapist Nick @2 PM, got on the RT Lite-Rail, went by the Central Library, came back here around dinner time, attended a Life Skills Meeting (mainly composed of presenting a female client with a big going away card as she is going to Palmer House), then went to bed early and slept most the time until about 7 AM this morning.
I decided not to go to Guest House for the DRA Meeting. I am just here in my room typing away and being in my beingness for now. I only have a few cigarettes left and know that for us we are often driven by our addictions. I am dual diagnosed with a history of drug addiction and I’m taking a light medication called Seroquel right now (50 mg. @bedtime each night).
It is pretty nice here @Carol’s Place by the corner of 9th and W Streets. Certainly it is a major improvement over the regular shelter setup where clients are treated like cans of goods, put on a shelf at night in our bunks where we are counted up as present and generally are warehoused with little or no human-staff interaction that promotes our basic character development and spiritual growth. I know we should be humble and grateful for whatever scraps of humanity are tossed out way. Nonetheless, there should be more definite structured humane programs in place for those who for whatever reason find themselves in a homeless refugee shelter.
I maintain that in the main homeless refugees are the predictable results of a failed state, a failed government, a sick status quo. We are reflections of a dysfunctional insane society that is governed by the Almighty Dollar, not by any real humane compassion.
Emergency Shelters for human beings should be seen as places where people can seek refuge, assess their general situation, develop plans of actions for individual improvement and try to design their humane spiritual evolution. We need to know and accept where we have been, have a clear concise understanding of where we are here now and seek a vision for future success. Am I being naïve?
We must look to the creation of new creatures that have care, concern and compassion for others as genuine humane beings, not as mere animals. We need to all look at becoming ever more humane in all our ways. In a religious context, we can think in terms of a sincere believer in God, but whether one is a believer or a non-believer we should all strive to be more and more humane on an individual level in our personal lives. We must set the example we wish others to follow in our own personal individual lives and not be content with simply lecturing. As Gandhi knew, we must be the kind of being we wish others to be ~ in this context, be a genuine humane being.
Note: Went by Geri’s in the PM. She gave me more tobacco and five bucks. She is a great blessing.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
It is a Sabbath here at Carol’s Place. I realize more and more what a blessing it is just be here in relation to being in an ordinary Emergency Shelter. We just have to learn how to accept people just as they are ~ so long as they respect our personal space and do not try to invade it.
It is Dust Busters morning here. We each have our own little chores to do ~ all of which are relatively simple and do not require any special expertise.
Yesterday in the late evening I had a good conversation with Brother Brian here. He kind of saw what I see here in relation to the other residents here.
Each of us has our own individuality and different pathways that brought us here. We must make conscious efforts not to lightly label people and continue to be non-judgmental until our conscious efforts become automatic responses to external stimuli.
Right now I am also reading: C.G. Jung: His Myth in Our Time by Marie Louise Von Franz.
I have decided as of now to pursue a career in psychology, especially in light of all the variations of insanity I have witnessed in my lifetime of experience to date. Nevertheless I do not want to box myself in as a being a man with a given profession. I just want to be more and more humble, honest and humane. It is not brain surgery!
I see that much that needs to be changed in the world is not merely in the external world, but primarily within us and our own personal character defects. Sometimes there personal character defects spill out into the outer external world. If a given person is in a great position of power these character defects can result in great policy errors that can wreck havoc in the outer world.
Dr. Jung is the premier psychologist of our times. He has greatly influenced many with his writings and investigations in the psyche of the individual human being.
There was a time in the distant past when I was interested in being a Drug & Alcohol Counselor, especially when I first got into my own recovery from drug addiction. Now I see more than ever that it is utter insanity that is at the roots of drug addiction and harmful addictions in general. In many ways the drug addiction is the trunk of the tree of drug addiction and it is in the roots of the addiction where we must dig down to uncover, identify and root out the roots of our external addiction in order to bring about a real healing process within the patient.
We need to go deeper than surface symptoms and come to understand the original reasons why so many let their lives become unmanageable through their use of chemicals and other harmful ways of living. Nowadays there is a great emphasis on utilizing medications to combat drug addiction. In the big picture there needs to be more of an emphasis on personal psychotherapy and the progressive evolution of ourselves as spiritual beings. We are not simply a physical body nor simply a intellect with a brain. It is in spiritual realms where we must venture without fear in order to us to really begin to heal.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Once we begin to get a solid length of sobriety time we can then begin to work on the issues that got us all caught up in drug addiction in the first place. We need to go deeper in our awareness, to allow our own subconscious to surface up to a level of consciousness. We need to go deep into the past memories that may cause us pain and discomfort. Once we process this stuff in our own present consciousness we can better analyze it, understand it and come to know ourselves better ~ that is, come to know our inner beingness. Why do we feel as we do? Why do we do what we do? What are our inner motivations?
When we seek a futile escape from the often cruel realities that surround us via our indulgence in drug addiction what exactly are we trying to escape? Are we simply trying to escape the bummer of living in poverty and squalor? Are we seeking the impossible by trying to escape from our own state of beingness? What happens if instead of trying to escape from our own actual beingness we take the time to stop and be still in order to spiritually feel the Presence of the Creator?
Are we not creatures of the Creator? Thus, do we not have the spark of the divine Creation of the Creator within us as humane beings? Are we not ourselves possessed of the divine seed of the Creation within our own inner beingness?
I am convinced that the changes we seek in the world in terms of our man-made governments must first take place within us, within our own beings, within our own individual consciousness. Where do social movements first come from? Where do they begin? As a rule, all great social movements that seek substantial changes in the outer world come from the heartfelt aspirations of the individual humane being.
The ruling powers of fascist reaction can seek to destroy progressive social movements by murder and intrigue, but the original basis of these movements, the reasons why they first come into being, are in the hearts and minds of the people. Even if there is only one individual being with a vision for a magical movement it can continue in one manifestation or another. The point here is that we see that great social movements are often dependent upon one or a few individuals in order to take root, to plant seeds, to continue to grow, to develop the mandatory rational resistance to the forces of fascist repression.
What has been greatly missing in modern social movements of today is a soulfelt sense of immediate urgency that can spur a lifelong commitment to bringing about the transformation of the Spirit or Zeitgeist of these troubled times on a global level. We need to be aware of the awesome powers of spiritual warfare, not merely in an Christian way, but constant spiritual warfare among all believers that enlivens the soul, spurs our rebellious spirit against the evils of stupidity and seeks to wake up the inner soul of the humane being and ultimately the inner souls of the masses on a global level. It all begins within our own soul on an individual existential level: a liberation movement of one who is a totally committed humane being ~ one who seeks creative and constructive change within one’s being and in the external world beyond one’s individual self. Let each of us be one individual being who thinks and acts in harmony with the masses. Let us each be a meaningful movement of our own because we are activated by our own revolutionary consciousness, not dependent on any one great leader or shepherd.
“The shaman is the great specialist in the human soul: he alone ‘sees’ it, for he knows its ‘form’ and its destiny.” ~ via Mircea Eliade Shamansm: Archaic Techniques of Ecstasy
Monday, August 22, 2011
@10:28 AM ~ Yesterday evening I made it to the Meeting at Salvation Army and it went pretty well. I explained why I was not there last Sunday and thanked Sister Ellen for conducting the Meeting in my absence. We had several people who attended the Meeting and it was a good core group of folks. Brother Calvin gave an emotional testimony about good changes that are happening in his family. Hopefully if I give her two days notice Ellen will conduct the Meeting, then there is also Brother Kevin (he has been outside for sometime now and has still not secured a housing location). On the way back after the CASA Meeting I was at the Light Rail talking to Doug (he was at Sally’s after two months but now is back on the streets). There were a few Black demons around and one asked for my lighter to light his crackpipe but it turned out he has bogus crack. Later he asked for it again and I said, “No!” So I walked up the street to the next Light-Rail stop away from the low-life dope fiends.
I got off the Light Rail @8th & O streets. I proceeded to just walk up here to Carol’s Place and got here a bit after 9 PM. It will be a drag to do the CASA Meetings on Sundays, but conducting the CASA 12-Steps Meeting has been a long-term anchor for my own personal recovery and spiritual growth.
Good news out of Libya! Apparently Ghadaffy’s Regime has ended as I read in the Sacramento Bee this morning. This is good news for me as I have been following grand historical events in Arabia all year, from Tunisia, to Egypt with the former Mubarak Regme being toppled and now it looks like the Ghadaffy Regime has been deposed, though there is still no news as to the actual location of the Evil One Ghadaffy himself.
I hope the American people take notice of what is going on in the Middle East region, especially about the positive changes in the tyrannical regimes of Arabia. There has been a great revitalization of positive liberation movements in Arabia with the Sandstorms of Liberation that have been sweeping across all of Arabia. It is right to rebel!
@10:54 ~ Here at Carol’s Place it is generally quiet and serene. My friend Dave from Sally’s was here this morning on his tour. I hope he makes it in here. Plus, Brother Matt from VOA ‘A’ Street shelter was here last week. So that makes two guys I know who are hoping to get into Carol’s Place here. Plus today there is a new Sister named Tiffany who is new here. Every day has its changes.
I still do not feel totally secure here in terms of housing, sometimes I find myself feeling that the bottom could fall out somehow. I still have not gotten my GA Account established and still do not have my RT Sticker for me to ride legally on public transportation via the Light Rail and Bus System. Sometimes it seems that the feelings of paranoia around here are contagious. I guess it comes from my actual dependence upon this Carol’s Place program. If worse comes to worst I think I can stay with Annabelle AKA Geri, but that in itself would be another bad location in terms of my keeping a sane mind in a serene environment.
So I continue to maintain the brain, keep my spirits up and will try to focus more on my general level of health, including my physical health.
I myself have my own feelings of paranoia or simple fearfulness. I really do miss being attached to my online friends and allies. I got online yesterday at the Central Library for an hour and that felt good. I will try to check out the SacWorks Agency, a Job Search program, up here on Broadway nearby, across from the old City Cemetery. Nada mas ahora!
@3:51 ~ I had a long Meeting with Carolyn about my goals, was asked about how I am working on my sobriety and we have a rather long discussion about matters in general related to my mental health. As usual, I explained to her about the three-part or triune being that we are and how I saw myself as working on my mental health, my physical health and my spiritual health. She kind of let me just rattle on so I indulged her. Plus, I told her about my book Progressive Recovery Today and a few prospects of my getting published. I think she was a little impressed about it all. I told her also about my wanting to go to school come the next full semester, though apparently that is a little ways off for me for now. All in all, it had a cathartic effect upon me.
I saw Brother Mike. He had a hernia operation earlier this morning and seems to be in quite a bit of pain. Apparently Mark Tavares is going to give him a ride to Primary Care by Stockton Blvd. and Broadway, he needs to get pain pills.
I am not sure what I am all doing here with this Carol’s Place Journal, but it does seem to serve as a kind of psychological release for my thoughts and concerns for now. Sometimes I am just the mad typist recording his thoughts for who knows for what purpose other than serving as a kind of pressure-release valve for me. Man, I really do miss the Internet Access of yesterdays. I need to look and consider the positive aspects of being without Internet Access and thereby being drive to actually write other stuff that will not necessarily be blared out upon the Internet. Thus, at this point, all this typing is FOR MY EYES ONLY!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
@10:27 AM ~ Tuesday came and went without any major event in my life. I am scheduled to meet with Mattie this Friday @10 AM to do paperwork stuff. Hopefully I will finally get onto GA, update my EBT Card and establish a new Account. I also have an important SSDI Appointment tomorrow. I noticed how folks routinely refer to SSI when in fact they are really talking about SSDI. Those of us mentally ill folks who are homeless and applying for SSDI tend to shy away from using the acronym SSDI.
I am going to take this computer system and go to the Central Library in order to see if I can get onto the Internet there. Lee got me onto the Net here via his creating a Hotspot with his $300 cell phone for literally a minute, but it seemed to be if he could because he is the Controller of that Hotspot. If he was cool he would let me know when his Hotspot is available, but he is a withdrawn introvert in his own kind of selfish inner world. So we will see what we will see. I am going to disconnect from here now. Hopefully I will next be on the Internet at the Central Library. Time will tell us what we do not know now.
@8:12 PM ~ I went to the NA Clunie Meeting at Noon. I announced that I had seven years and two months of sobriety. I signed up to be called on but as usual was not called upon to share. Some groups often are prejudice against letting a relative stranger share, which I think is kind of fearful and backwards. It is indicative of a ‘clique mentality’ for some groups, probably a bit of a territorial defense mechanism. I will try to remember that if and when I share there in the future.
Afterwards I caught the bus downtown. I was blessed to run into my Brother Tata. We had a good chat on the sidewalk. He mentioned about his need to get out more and that he was dragged about the routine of just going to NA/AA 12 Steps Meetings. Then, I stopped by the Christian Science Reading Room and sat in on a Meeting with Sister Kristian, a group of White Elders, all females except for one cool male named Rocky. They discuss and pray on helping the homeless and try to send out good vibes out into the universe in a kind of metaphysical way which I believe it another way that we can effect change in the outer and inner worlds. The Meeting starts there around Noon on Wednesdays. Thus, I may stop by again next week.
Praise God! I was able to get onto the Internet at the Central Library via my DELL laptop here. So I did some Tweeting and stuff without the stress of being limited to only an hour when one uses the Library Computer when we are limited to only one hour. It is really good to know that I have ready Internet Access when I take my laptop computer to the Central Library.
Tomorrow I need to go to an appointment related to Testing for SSI. I need to get to the Library at least by the early afternoon so I can Google the location for my appointment.
I am learning better how to go with the flow in my writing without the constant editing and backtracking that could be a symptom of my OCD. Stuff gets complex and I have long been hesitant to label my behavior or mentality with a simple blanket of a psychological disorder. Here again, I must do more studying. Right now I am mainly into studying more about the investigations and writings that have already been done by the great Dr. C.J. Jung.
@9:13 PM ~ I plan to get up early tomorrow. I will shower, maybe shave prepare for my trip to the Central Library then my SSI appointment. I called Shakra to let him know that I will not be able to attend the Safeground Meeting tomorrow, but that I am not able to have Internet Access. I also need to go back his place and get some stuff.
By the way, today I have 7 (seven) years and 2 (two) months of sobriety from alcohol and any other addictive narcotic. I feel good about that and plan to maintain my sobriety for my own health, in order to set an example for others and because I still work with CASA 12-Steps. For all my errors I do have a sense of righteous pride about my length of sobriety and hope it helps to inspire my beloved Brother Bobby AKA Tata. Nada mas ahora! Venceremos Unidos!
Friday, August 26, 2011
I have not been Journaling here for late since I figured out that I can LOG ON to Internet at the local Central Library. Still need to keep a centered balance. Write my heart out, let it hang!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
@12:03 PM ~ Today we had Dust Busters here @Carol’s Place when we help clean up around here. My main chore is the 2nd Floor Restroom, am now washing all the floor mats from all the restrooms in building two here.
Earlier a lady named Kathy came by to visit with her Son Brian who is here. I use to be his Case Worker when I worked at Sally’s. He reminded me. The truth is I cannot recall all the clients I had, though I generally remember faces.
I have decided to just stay around here today and stay away from the Sacra Central Library. I do not want to get back into my Internet Addiction. Such an addiction may seem harmless but not when I do not pay attention to other tasks I need to work on, such as, working on articles, telephone communications etc. There is so much to read, so much to write and so much to ponder upon.
I can type stuff up here then transfer it onto a blogspot I have already created on the Internet. I will have to clean it up as Microsoft Word has stuff behind it that makes it come out different with unwanted spaces when I post it in my blog.
@4:40 PM ~ I had a revelation today behind the idea of bi-polar being a biological disorder involving neurotransmitters. I will need to investigate this aspect more. I suspect that there is so much that scientists do not really know about now. Maybe there is guesswork involved and unfounded suppositions. I remember when I was taking the anti-psychotic Haldol n 1976 and sometimes the medication seemed different with bad side affects than other times. To my knowledge, Haldol first came out of UC Davis Medical Center or the related UC Davis School of Medicine. More research needs to be done. Sometimes I get the impression that doctors are kind groping in the dark and feeling their way forward when it comes to certain psychiatric disorders. Scary when I think about how much certain medical ‘experts’ pass on to people as valid scientific truth!
@6:34 PM ~ Here at C’s we had a Meeting where Staff Steve passed out Info for each of us about our particular med/s, side effects etc. It was all compiled by Staff Cindy and there was a post-it note attached to our individual printouts.
Now I will go out to Southside Park with a book for awhile. Sometimes it can be so boring here. I try to avoid boredom that can lead to my feeling depressed.
Late entry: As I was sitting at Southside Park during sunset time a young Brother Chad came by who is struggling with his heroin addiction. He was pretty stabilized as he had taken three tabs of methadone he got from a ‘friend’. He is so caught up in the vicious chains of drug addiction.
When I got back home here Brother Dave came by ~ he is now at Sally’s, going the SSDI route and is on the list to come here into Carol’s Place. It was a good visit. We talked outside downstairs on the porch. Visitors are not allowed into the room up here. We had a good conversation and he is encouraging to me in my writing my book on Progressive Recovery Today.
I found out from Dave that Azzie quit his job at Sally’s and got another job, plus Brother Louie was put on staff as a Monitor there. I want to contact Major Mark about the possibility of at least being an On-Call Monitor, especially considering the years I have worked there before. I never got along with the present Director Elizabeth Hudson. We had philosophical differences in relation to how best to run an Emergency Shelter. My position when I was working there was to focus on helping my clients, not getting involved with ass-kissing, the pecking order and the petty politics at Sally’s. Politics should be about helping people, helping to meet their needs and involving ourselves in practical efforts in service to people.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
@10:11 AM ~ It is a sunny Sunday morning here. I read the Sacra Bee, had a breakfast of Raisin Bran and a couple of cups of coffee. I was blessed with a Bus Pass from Staff Darlene. I will be glad when I get my regular RT Sticker for the month of September, then I will be able to move about town more, though I always need to have my writing as a key priority.
I have been having some pretty vivid dreams, though I wish I could remember them better later on. Dreams are another area I still need to study more about. I think I can interpret them pretty well myself in terms of their meaning for me. It is just a matter of merely remembering them later for my own analysis.
@1:24 PM ~ Now at the Sacra Central Library online. Have been Editing this Blogpost as it will be for August of 2011. I want to make it look neat. I have decided to change my Twitter page to have a Link to this @Peta_de_Aztlan Blog. I need to keep a balance between my outer public persona in relation to humane rights and my personal spiritual evolution.
I am just going to express myself for my own purposes. I know that if good events are to happen to me that it is up to me. Some folks I thought would be of tangible help for me in my present are not forthcoming, especially blood family. I admit I have been distant from blood family myself. I did not want and do not want to be a burden for them.
Like the ol' song says, "Nobody wants you when you're down and out'" Fortunately I have faith in myself, faith in life and faith in the cosmic forces of goodness.
Monday, August 29, 2011
@9:50 AM ~ I have been playing ‘Monday, Monday’ by the Mamas & the Papas on the music background in my mind. Another sunny summer day here at Carol’s Place. I am scheduled to talk to Staff Mattie here at 10 AM about my housing goals and stuff.
The Downtown Central Library is closed today so I will probably be around here all day, then tomorrow I am scheduled to go to my GA Appointment at the Human Assistance building.
I had a big bowl of Raisin Bran this morning. Feel a little sleepy because of it and the milk, but this too will pass. I reckon I ought to see about diabetic medication for my Type II Diabetes. I do NOT want to take insulin injections. I do not want the regimen nor do I want to inject any needles into my body anywhere!
@12:47 PM ~ I had good discussion with Mattie: she did an HMIS form for me and we discussed a few housing options. One possibility is a place called Sierra Elder via El Hogar. She is going to work with Lisa from Guest House who was and I believe still is my Service Coordinator. Jerri is mainly with my SS Paperwork so my SSI Application is dated for August 16, 2011 of this year. Apparently I can get there via GA in combo with my Pending SSI. So this seems to be a good option. If nothing comes up before then I need to be sure to be on the Waiting List for Salvation Army, if need be go in there for 30 days with possible re-entry into here at Carol’s Place after thirty days. I hope I can get into a suitable placement facility. I think Sierra Elder will help to fast track me onto SSDI. I can see a little better how all these different agencies and related facilities interact with each other, including with a built-in connection to the whole SSI/SSDI matrix.
My wish is still the same simple one: a room with a view so I can write. I have one now here at Carol’s Place, though this here is a temporary emergency housing situation. Mattie mentioned that I could be positioned or housed so that I would never have to be homeless again. I am not comfortable with the term ‘never’.
Since I lost my apartment at Globe Mills in Apartment #501 I am kind of cynical about the idea of having permanent housing for the rest of my life. I do not want to arrive at a location where I can see my possible death bed. However, reading Jung I understand how I should be in the second major stage of my life in terms of my making preparations for my death. This is not morbid. This is actually more real and practical for me. I appreciate the traditional Christian ideal of my ‘home’ being in heaven. Although, at 59-Earth years I am not too comfortable with the idea of any one place being my permanent residence because I have moved around so much in my life. I guess my Abuela Nana was right when on her deathbed she considered me a ‘vagabundo’ or ‘vagabond’ because of the way I was living back then, though I was only a teenager. How could she know? Older people have a way of seeing life a lot more clearly with personal examples they remember from their own personal life experiences.
Though I have lived almost all my life in Sacramento in the downtown square block grid I have moved many times over the years and have never actually legally owned any house.
I guess I will go downstairs, have a smoke then come back up here for a little catnap. I had a turkey sandwich earlier and a plastic glass of milk. I feel a little sleepy right now. I do appreciate staying here at Carol’s Place and suspect I will remain here for awhile.
@1:35 PM ~ Just received a copy & initialed Original Copy of my TLCS (Transitional Living & Community Support) ISP (Individual Service Plan) from my beautiful Adviser Carolyn. The Sierra Elder place seems like my best option so far.
I remember Brother Dave from Sally’s told me about a VOA Masters house which is a housing situation near here by Broadway, behind the place where they make head stones.
It is so complicated? I just want a room with a view so I can write. In my case, so I can type, but you get the general idea. Time for my siesta! Nada mas ahora!
@5:52 PM ~ Earlier this afternoon I went to Southside Park, went into the Southside Park store for a Diet Coke and a Neapolitan ice cream sandwich, then walked around the park and took some cool pictures. When I came back we had a Chef Salad for Dinner concocted by Chef Tim. It was pretty good. Now we have a Substance Abuse Meeting @6 PM conducted by an older knowledgeable gentleman named Mike AKA Mikey Mike.
There are two houses here at Carol’s Place. There is the main house where the office is at on the corner and us here in the 2nd house right next door. Both houses were moved here about 27 years ago from 28th Street. More will be revealed!
@8:04 PM ~ There MICA Substance Abuse Meeting/Class by Mikey Mike was very informative. He has a Masters in Education and a big background in pharmaceutical stuff. He wanted us to have a basic understanding of what is involved in terms of treatment for mental illness. He talked about the DSM Manual and the Five Axis’s, including Axis V in terms of a GAF (Global Adjustment Function ~think I got that right). I will study more about it all.
In my early recovery I was interested in being a Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor (CADC). I am a lot more evolved since those days. I see so many CADC Counselors still crippled with character defects. In one way or another and to different degrees many people can benefit immensely by having an understanding of psychology and themselves being involved in their own psychotherapy.
Isaiah - Lamsa OT
http://www.aramaicpeshitta.com/OTtools/LamsaOT/23_isaiah.htm
1:17 Learn to do good; seek justice, do good to the oppressed, plead for the fatherless, plead for the widows.
5:20 Woe to them who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
6:9 And he said to me, Go, and tell this people, You can hear indeed, but understand not; and you can see indeed, but do not perceive.
7:14 Therefore the LORD himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.
9:2 The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them has the light shined.
9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government will be upon his shoulder: and his name is called Wonderful Counsellor, The Mighty One, The Everlasting God, The Prince of Peace.
10:1 WOE to those who decree unrighteous decrees, and who write unjust decrees; 2 To turn aside the needy from justice and to take away the right from the poor of my people, that they may plunder the widows and that they may rob the fatherless!
12:2 Behold, in God my Saviour I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD is my strength and my song; and he has become my salvation.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Went to my GA Appointment finally. Hope to get RT Sticker soon. Food Stamps on EBT Card will stop. I do need cash, wish I had a cell phone, remain appreciative. Now don't let me start complaining. Fortunately I have learned how to 'work with the system' while still also being in tune with my spiritual principles. It horrors me how much $$$ is wasted on unjust wars by the USA. Are Amerikans in denial and insane?
I am keeping a balance in my life between an outer world where all the news comes in and my inner world where I reflect on life among the living.
I am not sure where I will end up now in terms of a having a real home with a real address that I can stay at on a steady basis. My life has had a lot of ins and outs. I have probably been a bit of a worry and disappointment for my Dad, esp. not retiring from the City or Campbell Soup. I just saw another way, another path and have followed my inner spirit.
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Follow Safeground on Twitter @SafeGroundSac
@8:58 PM ~ I am now back at Carol’s Place. I was asked again this morning from our Overseer Mattie if I would like to be put in a one-person room in the main house next door upstairs. I said YES and I am now scheduled to move up over there this Thursday. It was a big surprise for me. It goes to show that life is often full of its surprises. I have found that sometimes the rug can be pulled out from under me, then, I have to have the grace and footing to land on my feet. So I am looking forward to the move. So far I have not told anyone about it. Folks will find out soon enough. I hope there is no undue envy or jealousy about it. I figure that I am pretty stable, staff seems to be supportive and I am one of the Elders here. I can relate to Brother Lee who is here with me in this room now, but he has his own stuff to work on and he will be moving out of here soon to Sunnyslope into his own private place anyway. It will be good to have the privacy for me being in a room by myself. I know I will be able to focus more on my writings.
The people here are pretty cool; each of us seems to be pretty self-absorbed in their own life situation. I wish some folks here were more talkative or at least be up to a good morning in the beginning of the day. There is always an air of paranoia around here in terms of anyone getting into anyone else’s business.
I myself have learned to be Honest, Open and Willing ~ the HOW of my Spiritual Liberation Program ~ so I am generally open to a good conversation or an honest inquiry. Then, here in the USA there seems to be a lot of paranoia about privacy issues. We all have a right to our privacy, but we should not let our right to privacy become a matter of vain secrecy with a hint of paranoia. There is too much fear in the world and not enough faith. People need to be able to open up and share with each other. Hell, it would be a better world just by people learning how to honestly communicate with each other. Much of making it a better world does not require money or vast resources. It just requires us to become open to being more emotionally mature, intellectual meaningful and more dedicated to making it a better humane world for all of us.
Well it is about time for my med of 50 mg of Seroquel.
@9:54 PM ~ I have found I like even numbers more than odd numbers, though I consider myself as being from Barrio Cinco ~ the oldest Barrio in Sacramento.
Most of the folks here seem to be in a recovery mode from one kind of chemical addiction or another. There are many kinds of addiction and there are no good addictions, despite what the addicted mind may strive to contrive.
Well tomorrow is the last day of August. I hope I can make it to the Sacra Central Library, then I need to be back here for a DRA Meeting, though they are pretty dry lame meetings here, especially because of lack of input, interest and insights from others who attend because of one hang-up or complex or another. So much could be made better just by trusting in the process of spiritual healing. When all is said and done, most of the work to be done in life is on ourselves in the realms of the spirit or psyche as Jung would say. Nada mas ahora. ~Che Peta
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
@6:55 AM ~ I am awake now. Dreamt about war, war zones and posting news about war in relation to Twitter and websites online.
I now have two Twitter User Accounts: my main one is @Peta_de_Aztlan and the other one is @humane_being with an Address of peta.aztlan@gmail.com. Will need to fiddle with the Settings and Email addresses.
I just washed up my face. Need to go get early coffee next door.
@9:29 AM ~ Well I am scheduled to move next door downstairs tomorrow by 11 AM in the morning into Room #3 by myself. It is the last door on the right by the washer and dryer. At least I will be to myself, though I appreciate the view I have here right now on the 2nd Floor looking west. The saving grace is I will be all by myself, better able to concentrate on my stuff and will not need to deal with anyone else in terms of their mental health status or lack thereof. I hope I do not seem arrogant here. It is just that I am generally open about ‘my mess’ and do not have the hang-ups that most other folks do about their ‘issues’.
I guess I will get ready to go to the Sacramento Central Library now and do my last blogpost for the month of August from there. Nada mas ahora!
@1:36 PM ~ Now at Sacra Central Library on 4th Floor. Still cannot be comfortable leaving Laptop here if I need to pee, but can see this location from Restrooms. We do have some strange types surfing around here. Hell, this whole country is pretty strange and bizarre to me, though I am not one to cast stones! One man's sanity can be another man's insanity!
My New Twitter Profile @Peta_de_Aztlan
Peter S. López @Peta_de_Aztlan
Barrio Cinco, Sacramento CA
I am a Liberated Being who Loves Truth, Peace & Wisdom! Sharing insights from my Inner World with the Outer World. Come together and create!
http://peta-de-aztlan.blogspot.com/
My New Twitter Profile @humane_being
Peter S Lopez ~Peta @humane_being
Southside Park~Sacramento, CA
I am a cosmic humane being who advocates Global Peaceful Revolution! Share global news from the Outer World! Feel free to Re-Tweet!
http://help-matrix.ning.com/
This month of August has been a fascinating one for me. Sometimes I miss my old sanctuary at Globe Mills and that causes me to feel emotional pain, yet I know that I needed to change and get out of my old comfort zone in order to evolve spiritually. I am still coping with and learning how to handle my OCD and ADHD traits or traces.
I blog post the above in the name of freedom of speech, freedom of expression and freedom of creativity in the basic belief that sharing is caring. If anyone is offended or misunderstands get over it! I am not here to live up to your expectations and neither are you here to live up to mine.
Be a liberated being as much as possible. I know these are hard times we are living in today. Why make life harder than what it is? Let not your heart become hard. Keep compassion in your soul, share your own truths and strive for oneness with the humane family of Mother Earth! Namaste, Che Peta ~ Twitter @Peta_de_Aztlan
I still travel on this single journey of life with heart. My writing is one of my main grounding points that helps me to keep my sanity.
I strive to live my life without fear or paranoia. Be free from fear! Share your truths.
Related Links:
Democracy Now!
http://www.democracynow.org/
Homelessness Resource Center
http://homeless.samhsa.gov/Default.aspx
Sacramento Loaves & Fishes Website
http://www.sacloaves.org/
Safeground Sacramento Websitehttp://www.safegroundsac.org/
Santa Barbara Friends of Jung
http://www.santabarbarajung.com/
Dual Recovery Anonymous Website
http://draonline.org/
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P.S.. Forgive any mistakes above. I no longer subscribe to Christian mythology and try to be complete, not perfect. I am just working on daily becoming more humane, more wholesome and more mature as a man of Mother Earth.
c/s
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Bloglink~ http://peta-de-aztlan.blogspot.com/
Twitter Link~ http://twitter.com/Peta_de_Aztlan
Humane Liberation Party Portal
~ http://help-matrix.ning.com/
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